Why the Same Event Can Be Traumatic for One Person and Not Another

Many people carry a quiet, painful question: “Why did this affect me so deeply when others seemed fine?” This question often accompanies feelings of shame, self-doubt, or the belief that something is inherently wrong with them. In trauma-informed therapy, one of the most important clarifications is this: trauma is not defined by the event itself, but by how the nervous system experiences and processes that event.

Trauma is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that something overwhelmed your system, and your brain made a certain meaning out of it based on the resources and support you had at the time.

Trauma Is About the Internal Experience

Two people can live through the same experience, whether that's an accident, a medical procedure, a loss, or a conflict, and walk away with very different emotional outcomes. This doesn’t mean one person is resilient and the other is not, which is a common misconception. Instead, it means one person's nervous system simply responded differently based on context, history, and available support.

Trauma is more likely to develop when an experience includes:

• A sense of helplessness or lack of control

• Feeling trapped or unable to escape

• Intense fear, shame, or emotional overwhelm

• Lack of emotional support during or after the event

If the nervous system perceives a threat and cannot resolve it, the body may remain in survival mode long after the danger has passed. This is also why trauma-informed somatic therapy work or EMDR can be extremely helpful in shifting your body out of survival mode and giving your mind evidence that you can look at these memories and still be safe.

The Nervous System’s Role in Trauma

Trauma responses originate in the nervous system, not in conscious thought. When something overwhelming happens, the body automatically activates survival responses, which are fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. These responses are fast, protective, and instinctive. This is why your body will often respond to stimuli that may be triggering before you even realize what's happening or why you're feeling panicky, scared, anxious, etc.

If the nervous system can return to a regulated state after the event, the experience may be stressful but not traumatic. If it remains stuck in a state of threat, the memory may be stored in a fragmented, sensory-based way. This can lead to symptoms such as anxiety, emotional numbness, hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, or feeling “on edge” without knowing exactly why.

This explains why trauma symptoms can appear weeks, months, or even years later. Sometimes, you may not even "feel" the symptoms or think about the event on a deeper level until your body has reached a level of safety to be able to start to process it.

Past Experiences Shape Present Responses

Previous trauma (especially early or chronic trauma) can sensitize the nervous system. If someone grew up in an environment where safety was unpredictable, their system may already be primed for threat detection.

This doesn’t mean the person is broken. It means their nervous system learned to adapt to survive. Those adaptations may have been essential at one point, even if they no longer feel helpful now.

The Importance of Meaning-Making

How someone interprets an experience also affects whether it becomes traumatic. As humans, we want to understand something, which is why we often place meaning on it. This also explains why events that involve betrayal, humiliation, abandonment, or loss of trust often have a deeper impact than events that are frightening but clearly understood.

For example:

• “This happened because I’m weak” carries a different weight than “This was out of my control.”

• "No one wanted me" or "I wasn't worth it for them to stick around" might feel different than having the information that a biological parent had a terminal illness, addiction, or could not physically, emotionally, and mentally care for a child.

• “No one helped me” affects the nervous system differently than when someone showed up and supported you emotionally to make sure you were okay, or modeled healthy coping skills.

With this said, it doesn't mean that if you simply understand, you won't feel hurt or betrayed, and your full spectrum of emotions in any experience is valid.

The story the brain tells itself matters, not because it’s a choice, but because it shapes how the experience is stored.

There Is No Trauma Hierarchy

Comparing trauma, your own or others’, often increases suffering. Trauma does not need to be extreme, visible, or dramatic to be valid. Emotional pain is not always measured by the severity of events, but rather, by the impact on our mind and body.

Healing begins when trauma is understood with compassion rather than judgment, which is a huge part of trauma therapy.

Contact us today at support@elevationbehavioraltherapy.com or by calling or texting (720) 295-6566 to set up your free consultation or first full appointment. You may also book at the link here.

Working with a licensed clinical mental health counselor or therapist, such as our Denver team of therapists, could be the compassionate guide you need to help your nervous system feel safe again.

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